Recently, we took a vacation to Asheville. We did the rage room and splatter paint and white-water rafting. On the last day, my son needed a vacation from our vacation, so I was looking for something fun and different for my brother and I to do.
My brother is more of a “let’s relax” type of guy, so I was looking for something relaxing.
I was just sitting around the AirBnB Googling things to do in Asheville, and I came across the salt caves. What exactly is a salt cave? I have heard of those pink salt lamps, of course, but can salt really heal you? My interest was piqued so I read on.
I had a lot of questions after reading the website.
Thirty tons of pure pink salt! That’s a lot!! Where do they get that from?!?! Do they actually weigh it?
The website says sitting in the salt cave lowers stress, boosts mood and improves sleep! Along with helping with respiratory problems. The stress and the sleep part got me.
And blankets? They provide blankets? I love blankets. They are almost my favorite thing. Salt caves had me at the word blankets.
It says they provide earplugs, blankets and tissues. What are the earplugs for? Is it really loud in there? Loud salt? What are the tissues for? Is it going to make me cry? I mean, everything makes me cry, so that’s very likely. But I’m still confused about what the tissues are for. Maybe to help with respiratory issues? Will my nose all of a sudden start running?
Community salt rooms? It says open seating is available. Is that like a first come first serve type of thing? Do you get the best seats if you get there early? And where exactly are the best seats? Is there a map of the room somewhere so I can scope out the best seats before I get there and shove everyone else out of the way to get to them?
Do you sit in a salt room with a bunch of strangers in a recliner for 45 minutes? Is that awkward? Are you best friends when you leave after having had some bonding salt experience, or do you just ignore other people the whole time?
They say you have a choice of a recliner or a Thai mat on the floor with supportive bolsters and pillows for propping. What is a Thai mat? What’s a supportive bolster? I should probably Google this before I go in there, I thought. But of course I didn’t. The recliners seemed like the more comfortable choice anyway.
No phones allowed due to the corrosive effects of salt. Corrosive effects of salt? In 45 minutes? That must be some powerful salt! Do I need to wear protective gear or something?
What am I going to do with no phone for 45 minutes? What if someone needs me? What if my cat throws up? I did get a phone call from Pet Paradise (the place I boarded my cat for this trip) in the middle of the rage room the day before to inform me that my cat had thrown up. Surely someone will need me in those 45 minutes. Surely there will be some emergency! But I know inside there won’t be. I am not nearly as important as I pretend to be.
I’m always reading a book on my phone, reading the news, doing the Wordle, checking emails doing 50 things at once like most women do. It sounds like torture to me to sit in a room without my phone. People like to put their phones down for a moment to relax, to be still, to think. But not me. I don’t want to do any of those things!
And no smart watches? Also, due to the salt corrosive effects. Once again, I’m a little nervous about this super powerful salt that corrodes phones and smart watches in 45 minutes.
But seriously, how am I going to know how much time has gone by? I’ll be all relaxing thinking it’s been 45 minutes and it probably has only been four. Then I’ll be all worried that there’s something suspicious going on and I’ll be locked inside that salt room forever! And then my mind will start panicking, and I’ll be thinking instead of pumping in the salt-infused air they’re pumping in some kind of poison! And then I’ll decide that I should probably stop reading all those thriller novels and try some romance ones or something.
I am just such a bad judge of time. And I rely on my smart watch. I’ll be all worried that it must be 5 p.m., and my kid is back at the AirBnB wanting dinner. I can feel myself getting claustrophobic and worried just thinking about it…
Maybe there’s a clock on the wall? I wish I knew this beforehand because then I would’ve dug my old Swatch watch out of my jewelry box to wear for the salt caves. Swatch watches were the best. Maybe I’ll start wearing one again instead of this stupid smart watch that reminds me constantly during the day that I have not exercised enough, and every morning tells me what poor sleep I got the night before. My old Swatch from the 80s would never do that.
Time is funny like that. Sometimes it will feel like an hour has gone by, but it’s only been five minutes. And sometimes the reverse is true. Sometimes life just slips away without you noticing it.
Another thing it said on the website is to bring clean socks. Do people bring dirty socks? Do they really need the word clean? I guess if it’s in there maybe someone has done it. Well, darn, I guess I will have to do laundry quickly because I was really planning on bringing some dirty socks to the salt cave.
But also, why do you even need socks?
It says you can read books, but here’s the thing. I didn’t bring any actual books. I read my books on my phone. And there’s no phones! Do I have time to run out before and buy myself an actual book or do I just have to sit there alone with my thoughts? I know, sitting there alone with my thoughts will probably be good for me, but I might leave with more anxiety than I had going in after figuring out what’s really going on inside my head.
So we decided to do it. I figured it could at least make a good blog post if it doesn’t heal all of my ailments. We decided it would be something different and kind of interesting. And secretly I had hopes of it healing me and I had even bigger hopes of being a totally different person after 45 minutes in a salt cave.
It was actually a pretty magical experience. You only went down one flight of stairs, but you felt like you were going deep down into the center of the Earth. And I understand the socks thing now because the ground is covered with salt and it felt really good walking on all the little salt crystals. It felt like a little foot massage.
The room itself felt like something from inside a fairytale. The walls were covered 2/3rds of the way up with pretty pink salt crystals. It’s like the ice cave from Frozen… except pink. It’d be kind of cool if the woman who leads the thing would dress up like Elsa. Maybe I will suggest that.
There were also two water fountains all covered in crystals making the most relaxing water fountain noises. The ceiling had wooden beams across. In the spaces in between the beams was a net holding hundreds of pink salt crystals. I would like to tell you my first thought was, “What a pretty pink sparkly ceiling,” but my first thought actually was, “What if the net breaks and all those crystals fall on my face! Will there be some magical healing going on like all my wrinkles will magically disappear? Or will I just have a black eye? Hopefully the nets won’t break!” I’m sure they’re pretty sturdy nets.
I elbow my way past everyone to get to the best seat in the cave. (There’s not really a best seat… it’s not like you are looking at anything but the walls and the ceiling and you can see that from any seat)… I try to relax. I try to clear my mind, but my mind is always full of a million thoughts. Also, these recliners are not as comfortable as you would think. I felt like there was a bar sticking into my back.
So, I look over at those Thai mats on the floor wondering if I was allowed to change my mind and go lay on one of those. Are you allowed to move or is it like a, “you chose it so you are stuck with it kind of thing?”
Also, I very confused by these Thai mats. I knew I should have Googled them!! I kept trying to figure out which side was for my head and which side was for my feet. It appeared to me you could actually lay either way. I couldn’t figure out a top and a bottom.
And they were way too short to fit a human on them. Were they for a little kids? I think it would probably be OK to experiment since it looked like everyone else in the room was in a total state of relaxation. There was a woman with her mouth literally hanging open. Maybe that is what the ear plugs are for! Drowning out the snores coming from other people.
I was worried there might be a video camera or something and people who work here will be watching me laughing trying to figure out why I’m laying upside down on a Thai mat. Darn it! I knew I should’ve Googled it. Google has always been my best friend.
So, I very quietly and carefully scoot on over to the Thai mats, crawling part of the way, like that will help people from noticing I am moving… since I might not be allowed to move. I think I figured out that maybe the pillows are where my head goes…. Maybe the bolster thing is supposed to go under my knees? I’m just playing it off like I know what I’m doing. I want to get up and try it the other way around, but I don’t want to bring too much attention to myself, so I just convince myself that this is a correct way to lie on a Thai mat in a salt cave and that no one is secretly laughing at me if I am doing it wrong.
Isn’t it funny where your mind goes when you have a few minutes to relax? It definitely didn’t go where I wanted it to go. It definitely didn’t relax. It goes to things like, “Is the dishwasher broken?” “Do I need to order more hand soap?” And, “I wonder where my passport is.” I have no upcoming international trips, but still…
I kept trying to kick thoughts out of my brain, but they just kept coming back in. Maybe relaxing isn’t for me. Maybe I was never meant to relax. Maybe I am just bad at relaxing.
But I did like the feel of this all salt under my feet. I did like the sound of the waterfall, and I did like the idea that being in one place can heal you. The idea that something outside of yourself can heal you. Isn’t that what we are all looking for? Something simple that will heal us?
But before I knew it, the 45 minutes was up. I can’t say I ever got to a point of total relaxation, but I was almost there. I even found myself wanting just a few more minutes.
After we left, my brother and I were both looking at each other and asking if there other felt any different? I think we were both waiting to hear what the other one would say. Maybe neither one of us really wanted to admit that we didn’t feel any different.
Because don’t we all just want a quick fix? An hour in a salt cave to heal all our hurts? But we all know there is no quick fix. You have to work at healing, and it takes time.
While I was a little disappointed this salt cave didn’t heal all my hurts, I know there’s beauty in the process of healing. And maybe the salt cave isn’t the miracle cure I had hoped.
But maybe I’ll try acupuncture or something just in case there really is a quick fix and I just haven’t found it yet.
Cooking Failures 
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