Ah, Valentine’s Day. I’m sitting here trying to find a good present for my Valentine. Love poem?
“Roses are red and violets are blue.” That is how all the love poems start. But roses are a lot of colors, not just red,
And violets are actually purple so that’s just a stupid love poem so I will think of a new love poem to write for him.
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” Is that Browning or something? I don’t know, one of those people who went to Carolina who doesn’t use proper English. Because nobody says thee. (This is a joke for my Valentine who went to “Carolina” and thinks he knows everything. And uses words NO ONE uses. Does anyone else know someone who went there as acts that way? Endearing, huh?)
I could start his love poem that way. It would be easy. I would just count one, two, three, four, five, all the way up to 2037 and then I would write the end. That would be a pretty boring love poem so I don’t think we will go with that.
What about “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” Love poems start like that sometimes. Is that Shakespeare? Did he go to Carolina? Nobody says thee or shall. We could go with that one if you want, but I’m not sure it makes much sense.
You’re hot? You make me sweat? You’re too hot? I can’t wait until fall? Why is my AC bill so high? No, we probably won’t go with that love poem either. I mean, I know he’ll like that “you’re hot” part, but it doesn’t really scream romance. I think it would have been better to use “an early fall day.” Who doesn’t love an early fall day? I think that poem would’ve been a lot more popular if it went, “Shall I compare thee to an early fall day?” Might have even made the guy famous.
Oh! Oh! I should grab a boom box, wear a trench coat, and stand outside his window holding the boom box above my head with a forlorn desperate filled expression on my face while playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Swoon! He would fall in love with me instantly. (he actually would love this)
But I don’t own a trench coat. Or a boom box. And I don’t really want to invest in either of those just for this one grand romantic gesture. So, I probably won’t show my love that way either. I don’t know if he even likes that song. Also, I feel like my arms would get tired. Those things are heavy!
A box of chocolates? Why do people only give chocolates on Valentine’s Day? They should give chocolates every day. And why are there only like two good chocolates in a whole box of chocolates? Why are they all filled with weird stuff like nougat or something super chewy that you worry it might break your teeth? Or something that just tastes gross. Can I please get a whole box of chocolate filled with only the orange and cream ones? Aren’t those the best?
Stuffed animal? Come on! Those really are only for little kids. Why is it all of a sudden on Valentine’s Day, acceptable to give grown-up people stuffed animals? You wouldn’t give your mom a stuffed elephant for Christmas or her birthday! Why is it ok to do it on Valentine’s Day? What are they going to do with them?
To be fair, I do sleep with the stuffed Snoopy, but I think I’m the exception and I might be the only adult who does sleep with a stuffed animal. I just need something to put under my arm to get comfortable. I tried using my cat, but she’s not down with it and my dog just doesn’t listen. She’s the worst snuggler. She will literally sit a foot away from me and call that snuggling. Oh, I’ve tried. It is a hopeless case. If I cannot get that dog to snuggle, then nobody can.
Besides, my Valentine sleeps with one of these Darth Vader CPAP masks on his face. It would scare the heck out of a poor little stuffed animal! Scares the heck out of me when I turn around and see it. Poor little pink stuffed teddy bear would jump up and scream and run away as fast as he can.
No, we will not go with a stuffed animal either.
OK, sorry, back to my Valentine’s gift.
Rose petals scattered on the bed? Why do people do that? That can’t be very comfortable. Or sanitary. And also, kind of sounds like a complete disaster to clean up. And my Valentine has enough problems cleaning up as it is so we will skip that one.
I looked for Valentine’s Day reservations, but first of all, why are there no reservations left unless we want to go to dinner at 9:30? And second of all what is with the fixed Valentine’s Day menu? That’s so dumb. What if I don’t want to eat something on that menu? Why can’t I just order whatever I want like any other day? It’s Valentine’s Day so you can’t get what you want? That makes no sense. I’m going to open a restaurant and for Valentine’s Day, it’s going to be the “get anything you want” special. Except I’m not going to open a restaurant because first of all, I can’t cook, second of all I know nothing about opening a restaurant, and third, I’m broke.
Oh, I know! What about shout it from the mountain tops? Now that’s a grand romantic gesture. Except I live in Wilmington and there are no mountain tops. But also, it seems like a lot of work to climb all the way up to the top of the mountain just to scream I love you. For NO ONE to hear. If the mountain is so tall, nobody’s going to hear you. What’s the point of a grand romantic gesture if nobody can hear you? I don’t know who thought of shout it from the mountain tops, but I don’t think I’m doing that for Valentine’s Day.
I was walking around Target trying to get some ideas and there were an alarmingly large number of heart shaped pillows! Big pink and red fluffy heart shaped pillows. Don’t people already have pillows? And if people need a new pillow, it wouldn’t be a heart shaped one. Can you even get pillowcases for those?! Won’t they get dirty? I don’t think they make heart shaped pillowcases. Do you wash the whole thing? Can someone tell me how to wash a pillow? Every time I’ve tried it’s come out super lumpy and deformed, and I can never get it back to normal again. Not buying my Valentine one of those.
Candle lit dinners? Ummm… I need to stay away from fire for a little bit. If you read my post about my vacuum, you understand. Oh, to follow up on that post I bought fire extinguishers, but they are little. One time use. Why do things always look larger online? Well, I’m only planning on one fire at a time so it should be fine.
A bouquet of flowers? I was in the grocery store and there were so many bouquets of flowers. So many! There is no way people can buy them all. Poor flowers will all be dead. Made me sad and reminded me of the story of the Little Fir Tree by Hans Christian Andersen. My mom used to read it to us when we were little. Heartbreaking story about a live Christmas tree who just gets dragged out to the curb and left there after all the Christmas festivities. He was so sad. It made me so sad. Bouquets of flowers remind me of the little fir tree. No flowers for my Valentine.
I’ve run out of ideas. I’ve run out of ways to show him I love him. But no one really needs grand gestures. Just a million small kindnesses every ordinary day show love better than grand gestures. Maybe I’ll just bring him Taco Bell and take him to a comedy club. Although he really doesn’t need any more laughs because his girlfriend is hilarious.
Cooking Failures 