So, if you just randomly happen to meet me and we strike up a conversation, you might think I sound normal. It depends on what we’re talking about because if the topic has a lot of the letter R in it, then you’ll probably be thinking, “she sounds a little weird.”
But, I’m also very good at racking my brain to find an alternate word that doesn’t have an R in it, and I will use that one instead. I’m like a walking thesaurus that way. Because unfortunately, I cannot say my R sounds.
I’ve never been able to say my R sounds. Which is really really unfortunate seeing how my parents named me, Brita Schrager. Could there be any more Rs in that name? Could it be any harder to say? What were they thinking??? Did they hate me and want to ruin my life??? No, they probably just thought I would be able to say the R sound like every other person in the whole wide world!!
When I was little and I couldn’t say my Rs, in my mind I was saying Brita, but the rest of the world heard Bwita. I remember a good friend kept calling me Bwita and, one day, I got so frustrated and looked at her and screamed, “Why are you calling me Bwita? My name is Bwita!”
She just kind of looked at me and said, “OK, Bwita,” and then just kept being my best friend.
I was so thankful when I got married and could finally drop that last name and all its Rs for a name with no Rs in it. It was so nice! Although, there was still that pesky first name that I had to deal with.
I often practice saying my name out loud because, eventually, I will have to introduce myself to someone. Sometimes I practice just skirting past the R super quickly and other times I practice over pronouncing it. Like, really emphatically. I still haven’t figured out the best method. I still don’t know how to introduce myself. I’ll let you know when I figure it out. I get all sweaty and nervous when I have to introduce myself like I am about to compete in the Olympics or something. Not that I have ever competed in the Olympics, but I think it would make someone really really nervous.
It was a good thing once the water filter came out because that’s how people understand my name. I say it and then they say it and sometimes they ask, “like the water filter?” Phew, then I can relax because now they know my name and will not ask me to repeat it. If I can’t say it right the first time I most likely won’t be able to say it right the second time!
Sometimes they’re confused and they want me to repeat it, but instead of repeating it and butchering my name again I just say, “like the water filter!” And then there’s often pretty good smiles, and nods because everybody knows the Brita water filter. Or at least they used to. Are they still popular?
I had a boyfriend in high school who would cut out every Brita water filter ad he saw in magazines or in the newspapers and stuff. I thought it was pretty adorable.
Recently, I got a message on Facebook from an old friend from elementary school. I don’t think I’ve seen this friend in 20 years. He told me he was going to be in Wilmington for the weekend and, if I still live there, would I like to meet up for brunch? I said absolutely.
This boy was actually my first crush. It started when I was in third grade. I saw him across the room in music class, and I absolutely fell in third grade love. Ah third grade love is the best! Nothing like real love at all. I think I’ll go searching for some third grade love.
No, nothing ever came of it though because I was painfully shy all through elementary school and middle school. I couldn’t even talk to a boy. I knew he had a crush on me too, but I guess he was shy also. There was also another girl who kind of claimed him and cornered me in the bathroom and made me promise not to like him. I was scared of confrontation, so I said OK. I guess we will never know what could have been with this third grade love.
Anyway, here we are meeting up for brunch more than 40 years later. The conversation starts off all cute and sweet about how we used to have a crush on each other. We were chosen to play Mary and Joseph in the eighth-grade Christmas pageant. It was total honor, not only because they were the best and most-coveted roles, but also because we were both chosen. Like it was meant to be. Except it wasn’t because I was still too shy to talk to him.
He was talking about how we had to pose for pictures at the end and his hand was on my shoulder. He told me his hand was so sweaty and he was so nervous that I could feel how sweaty his hand was. I, on the other hand, was wondering if my shoulder was too bony. I spent that night in bed rubbing my hand over my shoulder trying to decide if it felt like a regular shoulder or not.
Our brunch conversation turned to our lives and college. I was telling him how I majored in communication sciences disorders, which is speech pathology. And he says, totally sincerely, “Oh, did you major in speech pathology because of your own speech impediment?”
Oh my gosh, I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.
I said, “NO! But thank you for bringing that up!”
Then he said. “No problem, Bwita.”
Then he told me a funny story, but he prefaced it with, “Don’t get mad, OK?”
First of all, how could I get mad at him? I had a crush on him in third grade, have not seen him in almost 20 years. What could he possibly have done to make me mad? Also, I don’t get mad.
He said that, recently, he was digitizing his schoolwork (who does that?), and he came across an essay he had written in high school. He was supposed to write a paper about his first crush, and so he wrote about me. And he told me that this is how he described me in his paper,
She’s cute, and shy, and she can’t say her Rs, like Elmer Fudd.
Like Elmer Fudd???? Oh my gosh, I wanted the ground to swallow me up right then! I was so embarrassed! But, also, it was the funniest thing I have heard in a long time.
I said, “ I mean….. you didn’t want to leave that part out? Didn’t I have more redeeming qualities? Nothing more memorable?”
He said, “I said you were cute.”
Good point. You’re redeemed.
But, we laughed and laughed. I mean, even with my speech impediment, guys still liked me. Or at least this one did.
I did have years of speech therapy. Therapists would show me how to position my tongue, and I never could get it right. Why is the R sound so hard? The therapist told my mom to write “USE GOOD R SOUNDS,” on note cards and tape them up all over the house so I would see them and remember to use good R sounds. How is reading a card that says USE GOOD R SOUNDS going to make me use good R sounds? I just can’t say them! Do they think I’ll be speaking and then I’ll see that card and I’ll stop and I’ll twirl and twist my tongue around and I’ll place it right behind my front teeth and I’ll try to say R and it will come out perfectly because I read a stupid card??? There was one taped to the bathroom mirror and I remember being mad at it every time I brushed my teeth.
My poor little sister has the same speech impediment because she learned to talk by listening to me. I mean, of course there was my older sister and my parents who could say their R sounds, but I was her main playmate.
I loved playing with my little sister. My mom says she could not wait for me to come home for preschool because then she would just give me the baby and I would just play with her for hours and hours. Mom could get her housework and other stuff done. She said I would easily take care of the baby for her for hours. Mom said that, one day, she left me with the baby for too long and I appeared in the kitchen door holding the baby and said, “Mom, I’m just exhausted. I can’t take care of her anymore.” I was four years old.
Mom also likes to tell the story about how, when she took my little sister to the doctor, I would shove my mom aside, get right up front and answer all of the doctor’s questions about how she’s eating and sleeping. Mom said it was like I thought I was her mom.
Very cute and all, but the price my sister paid was that I, accidentally, taught her how to talk. Sorry about that, Alaina. Although she doesn’t have any Rs in her first name so she’s a lot luckier than I am. She still has that terrible last name though. I guess you can’t win them all. Maybe she should just go by her first name like Beyonce or Madonna. Or Prince! Are those even their real first names?
For the longest time I thought about changing my first name to something with no Rs in it. It can’t be that hard to change your first name, can it? When I checked into it, it turns out that is very hard to change your first name. And besides, it might offend my parents. I have nothing against my name. It’s actually a very pretty name. I just can’t say it because it has an R in it. At this point, I guess I’ve lived 51 years with this name, so I might as well just keep it.
When I was at my mom‘s house last year, I found a bunch of old VHS tapes. No one really knew what was on them, so I brought them home. One of them happened to have my practice speech from when I was running for activities chairperson in, I think, eighth grade. When it starts out, I leap into the frame and say, “Hi my name is Bwita and I am running for activities chaiwpuhson.”
I’ve got some real 80s hair going on there, too. And a hot pink and turquoise 80s outfit. I go on and on and on about all the grand ideas I have if I’m elected activities chaiwpuhson, and then, at the end, (another die of embarrassment moment) I pretend to throw fake candy into the crowd and say, “VOTE FOR BWITA! VOTE FOR BWITA! FOR ACTIVITIES CHAIWPUHSON,” and then I do a little flip thing with my hands.
Well, can you believe it? I didn’t win! I showed my sister the video after I found it and we were laughing about it and I told her I did not win. She said, “even with the promise of clash day you didn’t win?” And she is right! There is no way I could have lost with the promise of clash day! Was there election interference? Fraud at the polls? Classmates voting illegally?
Then, I finally figured out what it was.
I lost because I couldn’t say my Rs. But I didn’t know it then because I thought I could say my Rs! Nobody wants an activities chaiwpuhson who can’t pronounce their title. I mean, there are actually two Rs in activities chaiwpuhson, so I think one of the qualifications for having that title is being able to pronounce the word. Why didn’t I choose to run for something with no R in it? President? Nope – it has an R. Vice President? Same. Secretary? Ugh! They all have Rs! I mean, actually I probably lost because my ideas sucked, but we’ll just go with I lost because I couldn’t say my Rs.
But wait!!! I am just realizing and wondering what else I missed out on in life all because I could not pronounce my Rs? Job opportunities? Relationships?
Oh my gosh! Can I blame everything that’s wrong in my life on my speech impediment? I mean…. It’s wuhth a twy, wight?
