Last summer one of our dogs passed away. We were all very heartbroken and, the day after, my son declared that he wanted a hedgehog. Having a hedgehog as a pet would make him feel better, he said. He was very excited about it and, after the trauma of the previous couple days, I was happy to see him excited.
Well, I know that you parents out there understand that, when your kid is hurting, you will do anything. Anything! If my kid had told me at that point that he wanted a pet giraffe I would’ve done everything to get that kid a freaking pet giraffe. But he only wanted a hedgehog. That’s got to be a little easier than a giraffe.
It’s quite surprising how expensive a hedgehog is. And how difficult it is to obtain one. Even though I had a million things going on, I was going to jump right into our hedgehog adventure because that’s what my son wanted.
Well, I guess it was taking a little longer than expected, so, one day, he just declared that he didn’t want a hedgehog anymore. He just wanted a hamster, and could we go to the pet store and buy him a hamster right then.
I cringed when he said hamster because my track record with hamsters is not so great. In my lifetime, I think I’ve accidentally killed three. Sammy G, Cupcake and Tyrone. May they all rest in peace. They all deserved better lives that I gave them.
But, to be fair, being a hamster owner was not what I imagined it would be. I wanted a cute cuddly hamster who wants to hang out with me and watch TV and stuff. One I could just carry around in my purse. One that would just sit by my computer when I do my meetings. I wanted to have a hamster best friend. But I learned that hamsters aren’t really like that.
Of course we went to the pet store and we got a hamster. We asked for one that liked to be held and liked to be pet. We found the cutest little long-haired white hamster. I loved him instantly because he looked like my Bible study leader.
We brought him home and my son named him Bacon Hamburger. Bacon Hamburger did not like to be held, and he did not like to be pet.
My son paid attention to him for maybe a week. Then, honestly, I don’t even think he would notice if he was still alive or not. I guess it didn’t really make him happy like he thought it would. I guess it’s human nature to try to look for an easy fix to ease the pain, but I guess, like the rest of us, he realized that getting a new hamster will not fix anything.
Still, I really wanted to be a good hamster mommy, so I still tried to pet him, and I would try to talk to him, but mostly he just hid in his little log all day.
Every morning, I would peek at him and wiggle the log to see if he was OK. I would usually see a little movement out of him. I would leave little treats out for him every morning, and, if they disappeared, that meant that he was still alive. I always breathed a sigh of relief when those little treats were gone. I’m always a little traumatized and scared of being responsible for living things. It’s a big responsibility to keep things alive.
I always made a point to say goodnight to him when I went to bed. Sometimes, if I was up really late at night, I would go to say goodnight, and he would be out of his little log. He’d be sitting in his food or munching on a treat. And, those nights, I would pull up a chair and I’d have a little heart to heart hamster talk with him. I asked if he was doing OK and if I was doing a good job and if there was anything I could do better. I asked if he needed more toys or anything. It’s hard because I don’t speak hamster. I figured maybe I would tell him a little about my life and about my struggles, so he saw me more as a human with feelings. He was kind of like my therapist who didn’t speak English. Or speak at all.
I remember, in 2017, we got a dog. I had a dog when I was little, but I’ve never had my own dog. My mom always took care of the dog stuff, so I was never really responsible. What really struck me about taking care of a dog was not the feeding it or the walking it or even the cleaning up the poop. It was just wondering if I was doing it right. I would look at my dog all day and I’d ask her if she was bored? I’d ask her if I was doing this right? I’d ask her if she needed anything. I spent many nights worrying if my dog was bored. Finally, I realized that dogs are bored. That dogs are supposed to be bored. And that they are OK being bored.
So, back to Bacon Hamburger. Our life went on like this for almost a year. I would peek at him in the mornings and leave him little treats. I would change his cage every couple weeks. We would have 1 a.m. talks every once in a while. But that was the extent of our relationship.
Life gets busy, and I have a lot on my plate, so taking care of Bacon Hamburger became more of a chore. It became just another thing on my list every morning. Part of my morning pet maintenance along with changing the cat’s pee pee pads and feeding the cat and the dog.
One day when I was changing his cage, I noticed he was a little more lethargic than usual. He was still rolling around in his hamster ball and kicking his little legs when I picked him up, but he seemed a little calmer.
Unfortunately, he had a little clump of poop stuck in his long hair. I wasn’t quite sure what to do about that, but after Googling it, I found myself soaking his little hamster butt in a little bowl of warm water and massaging the little poop ball, hoping it would melt. Not really my idea of a good time or how I like to bond with my hamster, but man was it a feeling of success when I finally got that poop ball loose. I felt like I just climbed Mount Everest or something. I high fived little Bacon Hamburger and put him back in his newly cleaned cage.
The next morning, I peaked in his log to check on him, and he was all curled up like he usually is, fast asleep. I wiggled the log like I usually do, but he didn’t move at all. His treats from the night before were not gone, but sometimes he saves them until later in the day. But I knew something was wrong because, as much as I wiggled that log, he did not move at all.
Now, I am a big strong woman who can do lots of stuff, but touching a dead hamster is one thing I cannot do. My brother was out of town for work, but fortunately he was coming home that evening. I texted him that I thought Bacon Hamburger is dead, but I’m too scared to check for sure, so I’m going to need him to do that when he gets home. Sounds like an odd request, but my brother has lived with me for over five years so I’m sure he didn’t even bat an eye at something like this.
I did do the log wiggle periodically through the day with the same results, so I was pretty sure he was gone. I was wondering if I should Google hamster CPR to see if there’s any way I could try to save him, but, like I said earlier, I didn’t really want to touch a dead animal.
Don’t worry, this isn’t one of those my hamster died and I didn’t realize how much I loved him posts. This isn’t one of those, appreciate your hamsters while you can posts. This isn’t even one of those, I feel extremely guilty and regret neglecting my hamster posts.
But honestly, I did feel sad about losing Bacon Hamburger. There was that regret and that sense of failing but I get that feeling almost every day about different little things. Why is it easier to look at our failures than our successes?
I posted his cage and all his treats and food on Facebook for free. A woman messaged me and told me that her two young boys have been begging for a hamster. She saw my post as a sign that she could get her babies a hamster. She was so excited about how excited they would be.
That got me thinking. When was the last time something as simple as a hamster made me happy? Well, to be honest, nothing about hamsters make me happy, but I’m talking about finding joy in simple things. No offense to the hamsters that I just called simple. I’m sure they’re very intelligent, complex animals. Although they do run and run on that wheel and get nowhere. But I guess humans do that on treadmills.
I do remember when I was five years old. I went to a friend ‘s birthday party. I fell in love with a little calico kitten and carried her around the whole party. When it was time to go, I cried and cried and begged my mom to let me take her home with me. I honestly remember thinking I cannot live without this little kitten. My mom, let me take it home and I seriously remember feeling the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. OK, maybe not the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life but that little calico kitten that we named Pirate made me pretty darn happy.
Where is the joy in my life? How have I forgotten how to find joy. Do I just blah blah blah through my day forgetting to find joy? Is that called being a grown up?
The woman who took my cage, sent me a message a little while later just telling me how happy her boys were.
These two little boys getting excited about a hamster reminded me to look for some joy in life. Definitely not by getting a hamster, but maybe I’ll look into getting that giraffe. Or maybe even just a take a nap.
Cooking Failures 