Cooking Failures

Tag: baking

  • Brownies

    My sister was visiting from Virginia, and it happened to be my brother’s birthday. We always make a cake on birthdays with candles because everyone needs wishes and candles to blow out on their birthday no matter how old they are.

    We decided on gluten-free brownies. We had the box mix, frosting, and all the ingredients that we need. While I was buying the ingredients, I decided to splurge and buy myself a new 9 x 13 baking pan. I don’t really have one. Every time I make cakes or brownies, which is only on birthdays, so it’s very rare, I just buy one of those little aluminum disposable ones. I know! Gasp! The Earth is crying, but it’s just so cheap and easy. But not this time! I’m going to save the Earth and by myself a pan that I can use every time I make brownies.


    I’ve been making brownies since I was probably 10 years old. We used to make them all the time when we were little as an afternoon snack. My sisters and I would make them, my friend and I would make them. I can make brownies in my sleep.

    So, we get the box, we get the bowl, I pulled the pan out, I look at the top of the box for the ingredients and I just start dumping them in a big bowl. This is how I’ve always made brownies.

    I am mixing them up all proud of myself when my sister actually reads the instructions and then tells me that I’ve done it wrong.

    I tsk tsk her but when I actually read the instructions, it does say that you’re supposed to add ingredients one at a time in a separate order and mixing these two up before you add the third.

    But why? It’s all going to the same place! Why can’t we just mix it all up together the way we want to mix it all up together?
    -me

    Because that’s not what the instructions say.
    -my sister

    But that doesn’t make any sense! They all end up all mixed together in the end, so I don’t know why it matters how we put them in.
    ⁃ me with confidence and authority. I probably even puff my chest out to show how mighty I am when it comes to cooking.

    I don’t know. I didn’t write the instructions, but it’s probably written like that for a reason.
    -my sister

    No, it’s fine. They are just being silly and trying to see if we actually do read the instructions.
    -me

    And obviously you don’t.
    -my sister

    Look! I have two boxes of gluten-free brownies. Why don’t we make them both? Why don’t we make one like this and then one with actually following the instructions and we can see which ones turned out better?
    -me

    Or we can just eat the ones where we follow the instructions because obviously, we are going to mess up the first one if we don’t follow the instructions at all.
    -my sister

    That works! I go on mixing my ingredients and I proudly pull out my new 9 x 13 pan to show her. She reads the directions carefully and says that it actually calls for a 9 x 9 pan.


    Whaaat!?!! What kind of pan is that? This is a normal brownie pan! I bought it specifically for the brownies. We always made brownies in these pans growing up. It will be fine. It’s only 3 inches different.
    -me

    4
    -my sister

    Well, I tell her I don’t really have another pan as I dig through my cabinets, and I pull out a 5 x 9 Pyrex dish.

    This is perfect!
    -me

    Still 4 inches short.
    Do you read instructions at all?
    -my sister

    Of course! But you don’t have to follow them exactly.
    -me

    No wonder you have a cooking failure blog.
    -my sister

    Well, we made the brownies that I messed up and in the pan that was 3 inches short. And somehow, miraculously, my sister dug through my pots and pan cabinet, and I had a 9 x 9 pan! I don’t even know where that came from! I had no idea I had that! I guess I should organize that cabinet sometime.

    So, we followed the instructions perfectly for the second batch, thanks to my sister. But do you know what the funny thing is? The one we messed up, the one we did everything wrong with, turned out to be the better one. The wrong order of the ingredients, the wrong pan size, and it was much better than the one where we followed the directions perfectly. I guess that goes to show that you don’t always have to do things by the book. You don’t always have to follow the directions exactly. You can wing it, you can lose a few inches, you can do things in the wrong order, and it can still come out beautifully.

    So, for all those people who don’t do things exactly right, who don’t do things in exactly the right order, who don’t follow the instructions perfectly even though they really mean to, life can still be beautiful. Things can still come out perfectly. I mean, not every time, as you’ve read from my blog posts, but sometimes, it can just all work out even if you mess it up.

    So, here’s to getting things wrong. Here’s to trying your best. Here’s to miracles from messes every once in a while.

  • The bread maker that was going to change my life



    When my son was diagnosed with celiac, I was devastated!! I love bread! Oh wait- it’s not about me. I was devastated for him I mean. He loves bread. A life without bread? Is there anything worse? No little Hawaiian rolls at Thanksgiving?!? I think I actually cried thinking about that.

    My brother and I eat gluten free when my son is around but every once in a while, when he’s not, we eat gluten and we feel like we are in heaven. Over and over again we just keep saying between bites and even during bites, “Gluten is SO good.”

    It will be fine, I thought. There are so many different brands and kinds of gluten free bread that there has to be one kind, just ONE kind that tastes like bread. Nope. Not one.

    I bought gluten-free bread after gluten-free bread after gluten-free bread trying to find one that tasted like bread. I should’ve thought ahead and made videos of my kid’s face after tasting each one. And then made one of those little fast forward videos kids make these days with all his faces. That would be hilarious! But I didn’t think of it and don’t know how to do it but I’m sure you can imagine his face after eating each one. If not, buy yourself some gluten free bread and look at yourself in the mirror as you eat it.

    I went to every grocery store in Wilmington. Every grocery store! Even those fancy ones that I don’t usually go to, and bought every single brand of bread just hoping that my kid would eat one of them and not make one of those faces that looks like he’s going to throw up. No success.

    It’s fine, I told him. Who needs bread when there are so many other delicious foods? Then I would drop him off at school and run right to Bagel King. I’d eat my egg and cheese on a gluten-full bagel in my car with sunglasses and a baseball cap so no one will recognize. I felt like I was doing something illegal. The sunglasses and baseball hat helped ease my guilt. The bagel was the best thing I had ever eaten.

    I joined a couple of Facebook celiac groups which were not very helpful because I think they were for people who can actually cook. One helpful thing was everyone suggested making your own bread. They raved about their homemade bread. Apparently, you can buy a bread maker with a gluten-free setting?!? What?!!? That’s amazing. Sounds simple, right? You just put all your ingredients in, press the start button, press the gluten-free setting and bam! Delicious gluten-free bread. This was going to be PERFECT!

    So I bought a bread maker with a gluten-free setting, and I bought all the ingredients for gluten-free bread. Some ingredients were weird and hard to find but I’m an expert at Wilmington’s grocery stores now so it was fine.

    My brother and I were ready to make bread! We were positive! We are optimistic! We were going to make such great bread that it would be the only thing we would have for dinner. Just bread tonight because it’s so delicious. We would eat it with butter that would just melt on the warm bread. It would fill us up and we would just sit around the table and talk about how great I am at making gluten-free bread and comment on how it tastes just like regular bread. Actually, better than regular bread, but all due to my cooking. We would start having just gluten free bread for every meal. Makes my cooking adventures easier. Don’t worry, I would throw a vegetable on the side of the plate every now and then. (which my kid won’t eat)

    So we set out to make this gluten-free bread with the most positive attitude there is. How could we fail? You put the ingredients in, and you press a button!

    I carefully read the manual for the bread maker. A little friendly reminder said, “please be aware that using the gluten-free setting will not take the gluten out of bread. Really, bread maker?  I was feeling really confident at that point.

    We carefully measured everything. We followed the directions perfectly. We put in the wet ingredients, then put in the dry ingredients, then I made a little hole with my finger and put in the yeast. I switched it on the gluten free setting and pressed start. It all went so well.

    Until…… I look down on the counter, turned to my brother, and said, “Uh Oh! I think this was supposed to go in the bottom of the bread pan before we added all the ingredients.” and I held up that little metal spinner thing that was most definitely supposed to go in the bottom of the bread pan to mix it.

    Will it work without it?  Maybe… Should I leave it? No, of course not!  That is what mixes the bread.  Somehow, we needed to get this little metal spinning thing into the bottom of the bread pan quickly!

    It’s fine, it’s fine, I said to my brother.  I told him that I would just reach in with both hands and separate the ingredients quickly while he reaches in with the little spinner thing and sticks it down there where it goes. It will be just fine.

    So I stick both my hands in the middle of the bread maker and pull it to the sides and tell my brother to stick that little spinner thing in. But of course, it’s a little tricky to do when you can’t see so it takes him a few tries, but he finally gets it! We take our hands out and everything kind of goes back to normal. Kind of.  We are both standing there with our hands covered in bread mix. and I say, I’m sure we’ll be just fine. I’m sure we didn’t mess anything up with that whole dry ingredients first, wet ingredients second, make a little hole for the yeast thing. How important can that be? Apparently, very important.

    So that turned out to be a disaster. Of course, it was due to our little mishap and the next time would be much better.

    Except, it wasn’t. It was supposed to be “cake batter consistency” but ours was more like water consistency for some reason.

    Next try was hard as a rock.

    Next try was wet and soggy inside although the outside looked great!  That loaf really fooled us!

    Next try had a hole in the side.  How does that even happen?

    Next try just tasted gross.

    My optimism faded with each failed attempt.

    Do you think the bread maker is defective? And it’s not my fault?  Should I send it back for a new one?

    It was time to face the truth and accept defeat.  The bread maker was NOT going to change my life.

    So, I put the bread maker away for a while, and bought gluten free bread hoping my kid’s tastes would change over time.  They haven’t so I think it’s time to bring that bread maker out and try again.  Things could be different this time. Miracles can happen. Wish me luck