“Please don’t insist on making a whole turkey this year,” my mother begged me.
I was slightly insulted because I had loved making a whole turkey for Thanksgiving the last two years. But then she reminded me that they were both disasters and at least one, and possibly both, were still frozen. I guess I’d forgotten that part.
I just remembered the excitement of feeling like I was in a Norman Rockwell painting when I stuffed the little bird with a lemon and an onion and I tied up his cute little feet. I made a little butter mixture with herbs, and I rubbed it all over him like I was giving him a little massage. I talked to him while I gave him a little massage. I told him how cute he was and what a good little bird he was as I got under the skin. I was having so much fun rubbing all the goop into him, that I think half an hour had passed before my mom said, “I think he’s good.”
I’ve always wanted to be able to make a perfect Thanksgiving turkey. The kind you see in cheesy Christmas movies that are brown and sitting on the table with happy faces surrounding them. That was going to be my Thanksgiving.
But I do remember last year I called my mom in the kitchen with a finger to my lips and showed her that the turkey was not done at all. Together, we played it off though, and she cut off the parts that were cooked, and she cooked them a little more and we hid the frozen turkey parts. It worked fine and nobody questioned why there was such a small amount of turkey when they saw me massaging a great huge turkey earlier in the day. No one knew that the Thanksgiving turkey was a disaster and still frozen. Well, except my mom and me.
I was telling the story to a friend who said, “Well, why didn’t you look online and get a turkey recipe there?”
“Really? What? That’s a brilliant idea. Did you think I just came up with an idea in my mind on how to make a Thanksgiving turkey? Of course not! Of course I looked online and I got a recipe for the best Thanksgiving turkey ever!” I replied sarcastically.
I was a little offended that he didn’t give me enough credit to look up a recipe online before I attempted to make the best Thanksgiving turkey ever.
“Well”, he said, “you don’t follow the instructions when you make brownies.”
Nobody follows the instructions when they make brownies. Especially not me. I don’t need instructions for making brownies. I’ve been making brownies for 40 years (although ever since my sister pointed out that I made the brownies wrong a couple months ago, I am more careful about reading the instructions but this is completely different).
I was telling another friend this story and she said, “Well, you know, you have to defrost it in the fridge for days, right?”
Yes! Of course, I know that. And I did just that. I defrosted it for like five days! And it was still frozen. I don’t understand.
“Did you defrost it in the fridge or in the freezer?” my friend asked.
Gosh, people must really think I’m an idiot. I guess if I have a blog called Cooking Failures and people have read about my many cooking mishaps, I can understand them questioning my cooking knowledge.
But yes, I looked it up online. I looked up multiple recipes to find the best one. The one I used had the word BEST in the title so I figured that would be the best. I defrosted it for the suggested time. I poked it and it was nice and soft. I followed the directions perfectly and still; it came out a disaster.
I think the year before nobody ate it. They said it was great but yet, nobody ate it. Except my mom. She eats everything. I don’t even think my brother ate it and he eats everything, too! There were tons of leftovers for Mom.
Don’t forget that I’m a vegetarian so I don’t actually eat the turkey. So, I really don’t care what it taste like as long as everyone else eats it, even if it’s only to be polite. I guess I should have a serious talk with my family about that.
So, this year, my mom begged me not to try the whole turkey thing again and just get a turkey breast. I was a little sad about giving up my dream, but also, sometimes you just have to give up.
I did spend days after the past two Thanksgivings worrying that I gave my family salmonella so it will be nice not to have that worry. I have plenty of other worries though so don’t worry about me being worry free.
Honestly, I wasn’t even really sure what a turkey breast was. I just knew it was simpler than a whole turkey. Don’t people always buy turkey breasts from the grocery store? And isn’t it always on sandwiches and stuff? I figured it would be easy to cook, and I wouldn’t have to do any prep work.
I had been ordering groceries for Thanksgiving all week. I’ve had them all in my cart and I was adding them daily. I figured I would pick them up on Wednesday so they won’t sit in my fridge too long and besides, that gives me up until the last minute to put in everything I may have forgotten. I always forget something.
I pick up my groceries and I’m patting myself on the back for being all prepared as I’m putting them away in the refrigerator and singing Christmas songs. Then I pull out the turkey breast and it’s frozen. Frozen?!?! A turkey breast is frozen too? I flip it over and skim the instructions and it says it needs to thaw 1 to 3 days. 1 to 3 days?!?! Oh no! This is a disaster. For some reason, I thought I was ordering an already thawed Turkey breast! Do they not have that? Is that not a thing? I should’ve ordered my groceries earlier!
It’s OK, I tell myself. It’s early on Wednesday. I have plenty of time to figure this out, so my family does not once again, need to eat a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving. I decide I will run to the grocery store and I will just buy an already thawed turkey breast. I will save this frozen one for another day.
I go to the fancy grocery store. I’m proud of myself for my genius idea to save the day. Well, ALL the turkey breasts in the grocery store are frozen. I guess that’s what they do? Obviously, I’m not a turkey breast expert. I didn’t go to turkey breast school.
So, I start googling it and I skim the back of the turkey breast again and it says that for the size of the turkey breast I have, it only needs 24 hours to defrost. Phew! because we have 24 hours. That was a close call.
The really funny part is, the next day on Thanksgiving, when we were taking the thawed turkey breast out to cook, my sister, (who’s really good at reading instructions), said, “Oh wow! You can cook this turkey breast from frozen. It doesn’t need to be thawed. See?” And she shows me where it says COOK FROM FROZEN on the front in big letters.
I really know that I need to read things more carefully and stop just skimming things thinking I can get the point.
So this Thanksgiving, the turkey breast was a hit. It came out perfectly. But what was not a hit were the rolls.
My youngest son has celiac so, weeks before Christmas, I searched for gluten-free stuffing(which was a huge hit by the way), gluten-free desserts and gluten-free dinner rolls.
I found a company that looked good and ordered some gluten-free dinner rolls from them. They said they would be delivered between November 24 and November 26, which was just perfect. They ended up just being delivered yesterday, December 1, so that was out for Thanksgiving.
Months ago, I had ordered some gluten-free crescent rolls. They came in a little packet, and I almost died when I read the instructions on the back because they were so complicated. You had to freeze butter and grate the butter into the flour? I always looked at those crescent rolls and then decided the instructions were too hard and I put them back on the shelf. “I’ll save them for a day when I really want a challenge,” I said to myself. But surprisingly, I never wake up and say, “Today is the day I want a challenge.” Especially not a making-gluten-free-crescent-rolls challenge.
But the gluten-free crescent rolls were all I had so I guess I was up for a challenge on Thanksgiving. Once again, I skimmed the directions. I thought I was all ahead of myself too because I saw that it needed frozen butter so the night before I cut the right amount of butter and put it in the freezer. Once again, I just skimmed the directions and at the bottom, it said bake 16 to 20 minutes. So that is what I was planning on doing. Once again patting myself on the back for being so prepared.
The turkey was almost done, and I figured it was time for me to start on these crescent rolls. Gosh, I wish I took a picture because they just looked like a disaster. But the directions were so specific and said things like “use a pizza cutter” and “cut it into 14 squares and roll it this way and that way.” Nobody has time for that so I just took little balls in my hand and shaped them as best I could into crescent rolls shapes.
I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. How important could all that stuff be? And then I read the instructions more carefully and it said sit them in a warm place for 75 minutes until they double in size! What??? 75 minutes!!! But Thanksgiving dinner is just about ready!
So, what ended up happening was that we all just ate Thanksgiving with no bread. With no rolls. I had bought the delicious Hawaiian rolls for the rest of the family, but it would be so unfair for everyone else to eat Hawaiian rolls while my little son with celiac has no bread just because I couldn’t read the instructions (which, by the way, I had skimmed multiple times). We ended up making those rolls anyway later and they tasted like sand, so I’m glad we didn’t wait the 75 minutes to eat.
The whole family decided to forego Hawaiian rolls all to not hurt a little boy’s feelings. They all gave up the best part of Thanksgiving, so one little boy would not feel left out.
That’s really what Thanksgiving is about, isn’t it? Being caring and considerate and thinking of other people’s feelings. It’s about sacrificing even something as delicious as Hawaiian rolls, to keep someone from feeling sad.
There was plenty of food to eat though and I doubt anyone even really missed the bread. But I will tell you as soon as my youngest son went upstairs, we all did shove our faces with Hawaiian rolls. They are so good! Why do we only buy them at Thanksgiving?
The turkey was a success, but the rolls were a disaster. I guess every Thanksgiving needs some sort of disaster.
Really, this Thanksgiving taught me that I just need to slow down. Sure, I need to read directions more carefully, but also I need to slow down in life. I’m always in such a rush that I skim instructions, I skim emails, I even skim my daily readings in the morning and even sometimes the book I’m reading. I’m always thinking about the next thing on my list. I’m always thinking about what else I need to get done. I’m always rushing.
It’s not a race. I don’t need to get to the finish line first. I don’t even need to get everything accomplished in one day. I’m going to slow down. I’m going to take my time. And hopefully next Thanksgiving, I will have read all the instructions perfectly and we will have that Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving. With bread on the table and everything.
But this year I am thankful for my mistake. Thankful that I was rushing and messed up because it showed the kindness and compassion of the human spirit. It showed me what family is really all about. It showed the sacrifices we make for the ones we love. Even if it’s just the Hawaiian rolls.
Cooking Failures 
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