The boss of the house

Who is the boss of the house? The cat. Of course it is the cat. For those of you who have cats, you understand.  

In 2008 we decided we should get a pet for our almost one year-old. We thought a cat would be a nice easy pet for him. Ha! Nice and easy.  We didn’t want a kitten that was wild and crazy and would claw him as he walked by, so we decided on a somewhat older cat. A two-year-old cat would be perfect. 

So, we went to our local PetSmart to adopt a cat. They said, “a two-year-old cat? We have just the one. Here! This cat is two.”

She was a sweet little gray tabby named Juniper. For some reason, one that I cannot remember now, we changed her name to Lulu. How rude! Why do we humans think we can just change a cat’s name after she’s already lived with it for two years? And we expect her to listen?  (kidding, we all know cats don’t listen but changing her name makes it especially hard to listen)

“Lulu?!?? Who the heck is Lulu? My name is Juniper!” I can hear her thinking to herself. And for the life of me, I cannot remember why we didn’t like Juniper. I think it’s a great name. Isn’t it funny when you get older you really can’t remember anything? Or is it just me? It can’t just be me.

Anyway, we brought Lulu home and introduced her to our wild one-year-old.  If you’ve read my blog from the beginning, you will know what I’m talking about when I say he was a wild almost one-year-old.  If not, go back and read the very first blog post called cooking failures. Then you will have a better understanding of just what my sweet little wild one-year-old was like.

The introduction went well. Dylan was thrilled to meet the little kitten. We sat him on the couch and put the kitten in his lap and Dylan was gentle and kind. I had images of them being best friends. Images of them playing with toys together and reading books together. I imagined myself getting up in the middle of the night and tiptoeing down the hall to check on Dylan and finding he and Lulu snuggled up together. I couldn’t wait for them to grow up together.

Well, to put it nicely, Lulu did not like Dylan. The first morning, she walked out all proud like she owned the place. But then Dylan woke up. He ran around the house like a crazy person, he threw toys and books, he climbed on chairs and tables, he jumped on the couch and he was really, really loud. 

Poor Lulu cowered in the corner for most of the day looking very confused. This is not what a home is supposed to be like, I pictured her thinking to herself. This is not how they described it in the pet store. They described it as a calm and loving place where people would give you lots of attention and you will be safe. Nobody mentioned it had a Tasmanian devil.

Oh, and when Dylan saw Lulu, his eyes lit up! He ran at her full speed ahead before I could get over there, and he grabbed her and hugged her and pet her and by the look on her face, you would think she was being tortured. I guess she kind of was. No matter how many times I talked to Dylan about being gentle and modeled the gentle petting the cat and took his hands and tried to help him be gentle, this kid really had no gentle in him.

A few mornings later, I woke up, I fed Lulu, and we watched the Today show together while I drank my tea. This is how I pictured having a cat. 

Then Dylan woke up.  And Lulu disappeared. I could not find her anywhere! I searched the whole house. Every single part of it. I called my husband at work, crying that I lost the cat. He assured me she was fine. Don’t men always do that? Just say everything ‘s fine. How do they know it’s fine? How could it be fine? I lost the freaking cat! She was nowhere in the house! It was not a big house so I could easily search every single part of it multiple times. I spent a whole day looking for the cat trying not to cry so Dylan wouldn’t worry. First of all, of course I was worried about Lulu and worried if she was OK. But also, I felt like a failure of a pet owner. How could I lose my cat? Does that happen to other pet owners? Please say it does. 

As soon as Dylan fell asleep, my husband and I sat down on the couch to watch some TV and suddenly Lulu jumped right up on the couch in between us. I was so surprised and thankful. I think I started crying right away. I’m not a terrible pet owner! I did not lose my pet! Oh, and also, I’m so happy you are ok, I told Lulu. 

“Where were you?” I asked Lulu. But of course, she just ignored me. Cats like to do that.

The next day, the same thing happened. I know it sounds silly, but once again, I thought I lost my pet. I searched the whole house, called my husband, crying, he said it was fine, I didn’t believe him, and I spent the whole day worrying. But that night, as soon as Dylan fell asleep, there was Lulu on the couch, snuggling with us. I guess Dylan really did make her nervous.

Poor Dylan did figure it out and would ask where Lulu was every day and I said, “well she goes to work, just like daddy goes to work. Hopefully she’ll be home from work before you go to bed, but sometimes daddy’s not home from work before you go to bed either.”

Dylan went off to preschool and told everyone there that his cat goes to work every day. No one really questioned it because he was three. If anyone ever asked me about it, I would’ve said I have no idea what he’s talking about.

When Lulu was about three, we took her to the vet for extremely bad breath and found out she was allergic to her own teeth, so they had to pull them all out. But when the vet looked at her teeth, he said she was probably eight or nine years old. What?!?! We thought she was three. So, there’s really no telling how old Lulu is. The papers we got say she was born in April 2007. But maybe she was born five years earlier. It’s a mystery. I just don’t put a number on her birthday cake every year. I don’t want to tell her we really don’t know how old she is.

Over time, Lulu got used to Dylan. And Lulu loved Dylan. He would read her bedtime books before he went to bed. I guess some relationships just take time. I did have to tell him that Lulu quit her job so she could spend more time at home with him when she started coming out more. I’m sure he went to preschool and told everybody his cat quit her job and is now home more often to play with him. 

We lived in Chantilly for five years and Lulu had a litter box under the sink in the downstairs bathroom, and she used it. Although when we left, we noticed the floor was pretty messed up under the litter box, so she must’ve been going down the side or something. But she used the litter box.

And then we moved to North Carolina. We got her a cute little leash for the car ride down even though it was only 5 1/2 hours. Cats can definitely go that long without going to the bathroom, but we figured she would need to stop and relieve herself, so we bought her this cute little blue leash so we could take her out at rest stops and she could pee. I don’t know if any of you guys have ever gotten a leash for your cat, but please tell me it did not go so well? Lulu just lay flat on her stomach. She wouldn’t get up, she wouldn’t walk, the kids dragged her down the sidewalk thinking they were walking her, and she was enjoying it. She definitely did not go pee on a leash. She did not seem to enjoy it one bit. And she absolutely did not believe me when I told her that I really thought she would like it and I thought I was doing something nice for her. She just cat scoffed at me. We never used that leash again.

We got to our beautiful house in North Carolina, and I found room for the litter box in the downstairs bathroom in between the toilet and the wall. I showed Lulu where the litter box was, and then I walked away, brushing my hands together, thinking that was taken care of. I mean, I told her where she was supposed to go to the bathroom. I put her in the litter box and talked it up to her. “Wow! Look at this awesome litter box! It’s blue! Your favorite color! Great place to go potty! And look! There’s a chicken picture on the wall to look at while you do your business. Your dad saw it and just had to have it. Who has to have a chicken picture? Anyway, enjoy!” Simple. Of course she would listen. What could go wrong? 

But Lulu did not want to pee in the litter box. I don’t think she wanted it in the bathroom. I don’t know why. I don’t know why she thinks she’s in charge of where she’s going to go to the bathroom. I told her that no cats get to decide where their litter box goes and she just has to go where the litter box is. Does she think when a cat moves in the house the owner says, “I want you to be as comfortable as possible here. Please tell me where you would like your litter box. Even if it’s where we eat.” As you can imagine, that went over really well. Nobody else listens to Brita, especially cats who probably don’t listen to anyone. If your cat does listen to you, please don’t tell me. It will only make me feel bad.

We had a CARPETED dining room and that is where Lulu wanted to pee and poo! I told her it was not happening and there was no way I was putting a little box in my carpeted dining room, and she just has to go in the litter box in the bathroom. She pretty much cat laughed in my face and kept going in my carpeted dining room. 

There was a power struggle for a couple days with me saying no and putting her back in the litter box to show her where to go and cleaning up pee and poo off the carpet in my dining room. But finally, I relented. Come on, we all know the cat was going to win this power struggle. Cats win all power struggles.

So, I put a litter box in the dining room right over where she likes to go. “Happy dear?” I asked Lulu. That is one of my favorite lines from the movie Beaches. Bette Midler leaves her towel on the bathroom floor and Barbara Hershey’s daughter (who is not a fan of Bette Midler) tells on her. She says, “Mom! Cece left her towel on the floor!” Then Bette Midler marches out of her bedroom, with her hair wrapped in a cool towel, and then hangs the towel up on the towel rack. She turns to the kid and says, “Happy dear?” Full of sarcasm. I don’t know why we loved that line so much when we were little and my sisters and I would always say it to each other. Anyway, I said it the same way Bette Midler did. A little snippy and sarcastic, but I didn’t really think Lulu would notice. But obviously she did. Cats know these things. 

Guess what she did? She went poop 2 inches to the right of the litter box on the carpet. So, I cleaned the carpet and moved that litter box two inches to the right thinking I just placed it wrong. Then the next day she pooped two inches to the left. I kept cleaning the carpet and moving the litter box around to exactly where she wanted to go to the bathroom. She just sat in the corner, watching me and laughing.

Eventually, I got to the perfect spot where she wanted it. I literally marked the carpet with tape so I would know exactly where she wanted it. She’s very particular as you can tell. Believe it or not she went in the litter box. Mostly. I have a feeling she did pee on the carpet because that room started to smell a little bit, but at least she was doing the poo in the litter box, mostly. And I admitted defeat and Lulu won. And we just stopped eating in the dining room. That is what the kitchen is for. Lulu can have the dining room.

So, life ran smoothly, mostly, and then we decided to get a dog. Well, we had to get a dog. I put off getting a dog for years every time my kids and husband asked because dogs are a lot of work, and I know I was the one who was going to take care of the dog. We got hamsters and a bearded dragon and a fish all to avoid getting a dog. But on my son’s seventh birthday after he blew out his birthday candles, he looked at me and said, “I make the same wish every year, and it never comes true.” That broke my heart! I asked what the wish was, and he said every year he wished for a dog. So, I turned to my husband, and I said, “Gosh darn it! Now we have to get a dog. We can’t have a seven-year-old thinking birthday wishes don’t come true!”

So, we got a dog, but I was very worried about how Lulu would do with the dog. I’m not sure why I was surprised, but Lulu put that dog in her place the second she walked in the house. She showed that dog who was boss, and that dog was slightly terrified of Lulu.  If Lulu was sitting in the middle of the hallway and the dog wanted to get past, she would go all the way around the house to avoid walking by that cat. I sure wish I had some of that in me. Nobody is terrified of me. Nobody avoids me. Well, maybe they do and I don’t know it. 

One time my sister came to visit and brought her puppy with her. Her puppy was potty training, so she had all the doggy pee pads and they were all over my house. I guess we left them down after she left and a couple days later, I noticed that there was pee on one of the pads! I ran around the whole house, asking everyone in it if they peed on the pee pad. Of course, they didn’t and that is how I came to discover that Lulu likes to pee on doggy pee pads instead of in a litter box. But of course, you have to have the pad in the exact spot so it took a bunch of moving it 2 inches to the right and 2 inches to the left and 3 inches below to find the exact spot where Lulu would like her pee pad. Still, I think it’s much easier than a litter box. Even though she doesn’t always get all the pee exactly on the pee pad. Just close to it or on half of it. That is when I threw out the litter box, and we just started using the pee pads. There is still a lot of mopping up pee, but I was happy with the direction it was going in. Also, we had gotten flooring put down in the dining room by then so that definitely helped with clean up. 

Life gets crazy, things happen, I moved out, and Lulu and I were separated for three years. My ex recently gave her back to me. 

Of course, I unnecessarily worried about how she would get along with the dog, so I got baby gates to separate them. But once again, she walked in that house and showed the dog who was in charge.

I feel bad for the dog because Lulu bullies her a little more than she used to. She will get up in her face when the dog is minding her own business and hiss and a swat at her nose. 

You know what I saw the other day? The poor dog was just standing at the water bowl, drinking water and minding her own business. Lulu came up behind her, put her paw up and tried to swipe her leg right out from under her. My brother and I both saw it and our mouths dropped open! 

I gave Lulu a lecture about how there’s no need to be a bully and she needs to keep her paws to herself. Hissing is one thing, but actually putting her paws on the dog is not OK. I’m sure she listened very well. Now I just follow the dog around like her personal bodyguard to protect her from the little cat.

Lulu did decide though that she didn’t want any furniture in the dining room. Except the dining room table, but she didn’t want any chairs. She would just pee under the unnecessary furniture until I finally cleaned out the whole dining room and moved it all into the garage.  Now it’s just like she likes it. Who needs real furniture in their dining room anyway? Thanks for helping with the decluttering, Lulu.

Every morning, she sits with me on the couch while I drink my tea. She jumps up in my lap while I’m on Zoom meetings and sits on the couch with me in the evenings and we watch TV together. She sleeps in my bed, but I always leave the door open so she can get up in the middle of the night and go potty. She is an old lady after all. Then she comes back to bed and snuggles some more.

She’s very picky about her food and one morning she will not like a particular type of food and I will have to throw it out and give her a different one. She’s also very demanding when it’s time to eat. 

She’s also teaching me balance and to watch where I’m walking because she loves to walk right in front of me. She zigzags in front of my feet while I’m walking to try to trip me. I’m proud to say it hasn’t worked yet, but I am very careful about where I step now. I should thank her for teaching me to pay attention.

Sometimes when we’re hanging out, I can’t believe that I’ve known this cat for 17 years. We’ve been buddies for that long. And I think that I should really be more like Lulu. Maybe we should all be more like Lulu. Stand up for yourself! Don’t put up with anybody pushing you around no matter how big they are. Make people move furniture if you don’t like it. Make them pay attention when they are walking. Go to the bathroom where you want to. Bully big dogs who secretly intimidate you. Love your people unconditionally and always just do what makes you happy. Hide for a day, or a month, or as long as it takes until you are comfortable. OK, maybe we shouldn’t follow the go to the bathroom wherever you want or bully people ideas. I think we should all just stick to toilets, and nobody likes a bully. But there’s still a lot of other lessons to learn from my old toothless, stubborn, mean sweetheart of a cat.